Recession-Proof Cougar Hunting

Posted on 03. Jun, 2009 by Oliver Van Peeples in Education

Dear Fellow Cougar Hunters,

Just when you thought it was safe to return to your local cherry-oak-walled wine-bar (the one at the Four Seasons with the grand piano) – Wham! a recession hits. The crowd has thinned and so has your wallet, and the cougars have dialed back from aggressive to docile…to downright timid. What’s the deal, you ask?

Let’s start with simple economics. We’re smack dab in the middle of a lipstick economy. This means that many cougars have reduced or eliminated their bigger ticket purchases, in favor of small pick-me-ups, many of which begin with the letter “l”: lipsticks, lattes, and lotto tickets. The hunt is on for inexpensive thrills. Why can’t a young man be one of them?

Though the obvious advantage goes to the man who can step to the cougar with some economic clout – by virtue of having money to spend, you’re better separated from the crowd, especially during a recession. But what if you’re low on dough, and still want to knead some game? Fret not my feline finaglers.

In a recession, people are uncertain. And when uncertainty reigns, erring on the side of caution obtains. In other words, they allow themselves to be ruled by fear. Guys have become more docile, and cougars more cliquish – the tendency is to stay within the safety of one’s group. This has always been true, but now even more so. Thus, NOW is the time for men to find their confidence, break out of the circle, and go for the cougar you want.

A confident man leaves his mark. If you’ve been waiting for the right time to break the confidence barrier, consider today your invitation.

Also be aware that cougars will be hitting the bottle harder (another effect of downturned times). Impaired judgment is to your benefit, but avoid rushing in like a fool. No matter how zonked a cougar may be, and no matter how many times she lets you know it, she would nary allow her faculties to drift too far – especially in front of her friends. It’s too bad, really. But at least breaking the ice has never been easier.

There is one final topic I’d like to address, known in distinguished circles as the catch and release. Approach a cougar and give her the best 5 minutes you can muster, and then, with a charming bid adieu, mysteriously return to your friends or step away for a moment. This demonstrates that you’re interested in her while also showing that you have your own thing going on. While the recessionistic tendency is to cling to the solace you’ve found, you’re better off maintaining a comfortable distance. Go in for the kill later. Or be amazed (but don’t show it) when she comes back to you.

The economic outlook is starting to brighten, but until then…happy bagging in spite of the state of the state!

Sincerely,

OVP feat. special guest editor Elias Boston

Tags: bar, economy