Avoiding Amateur Night OR: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love The Bombastic

Posted on 19. Feb, 2007 by Oliver Van Peeples in Hunting Aides

Good Day Good Sirs, Loyal Fans, and Visitors Alike:

Today we are going to cover a most critical topic: the Cougar’s nocturnal habitat. Even the most experienced hunter will come home empty handed if there are no cougars available for bagging. All the preparation you go through for the hunt – debonair duds, the dab of Drakkar, the lessons from finishing school, the 20 bone cover you coughed up for the ultra-lounge, the ballroom classes, the ostrich-skin accessories (wallet, prophylactics) – is all for naught if the right night is not chosen. Pick the wrong night to prowl and there may be not a Coug from here to Calcutta.

My simple easy-to-remember advice, any night is a good night for Cougar hunting, EXCEPT Saturday night, or “Amateur Night” as it is known in the higher circles. On this unholiest of all nights, everyone and their uncle is out combing the scene … it is, in a word, a ZOO. The lack of sophistication, plus the crude and immature tendencies of the crowd (fightin’, spittin’, mama-name-callin’), causes most Cougars to hole up or roam in impenetrable packs. And that pretty much ruins your chances of getting shellacked.

Amateur Night is when everyone goes out; for many, it’s simply because they have nothing better to do or lack the imagination to create an alternative. Teens trying to sneak into bars, drunken debutantes, petite rotunds and short rounds will all make cameos. In short, bet your ass to encounter the gamut of unsavory characters that turn cougars off with the swiftness of a water faucet.

I’m not saying that I’m God’s gift among men, but even though I am, my advice remains the same. I love the hardcore Thursday and Friday night crowd, where weenies need not apply. It takes real balls or tits (if you’re a cougar) to venture out after 4 or 5 days of work. This is where you’ll see some of the most slamming Cougars!

Sunday night is good too; Cougars love to sip drinks in Y-shaped glasses as they reflect on their weekend exploits. Though be careful of the desperate end-of-weekend hookup crowd (once again, desperation is not cougar behaviour). M – W are also good days for the hunt, the only catch being the lack of population.

So, what a great easy lesson – what have we learned?? Save Saturday night – Amateur Night – for going out with the boys and getting crunked, and hitting on anything you set your beer goggles on! Charge down young’uns and try to penetrate female cliques, and wave your hands like you just don’t care. But if you’re looking to spread love and more in the ears of a spotted cat, consider any night but Saturday.

Loud & Proud, True, and Too Cool for School,

Oliver Van Peeples

Tags: Amateur Night, bar, Saturday, Thursday, weekday